Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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