I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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