and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
