I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
