I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
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