I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
