I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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