just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
