weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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