My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
