Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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