I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i now understand why vodka
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