Don't make out with my wife yet
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
