Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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