Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I enjoy the company of your penis
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
