I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
