i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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