the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
