This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
