whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
