There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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