Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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