i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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