I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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