you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
