i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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