dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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