I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
