have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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