youre lurking in front of me
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
