i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
