wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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