Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
