Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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