The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
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If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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