I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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