piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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