pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
