i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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