idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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