I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
