all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
