I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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