Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
