i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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