you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
