You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize
