I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
