My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
