Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
