The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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