You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
