She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
