I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
