Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
