Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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