I look better un-naked...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
