Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
