You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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